Ben Wasser

Also: “I was just thinking… How do airplanes...

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 19:45:00 +0000

Also:

“I was just thinking… How do airplanes work?”

“I sometimes wonder what’s going on in Australia. Or, maybe Japan. Life must be a lot different over there.”

“Do a lot of people get music and movies for free off the internet? I just found out this was a popular thing to do.”

“I recently went on some roller coasters. I do not like the ones where you hang upsidedown. I do like the ones where you go down FAST.”

Photo

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 03:30:11 +0000

The Meaning of Life According to Kurt Vonnegut

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 00:39:35 +0000

‘Kilgore Trout relinquished himself to the stained and burnt remnants of the brown EZ Boy that acted as his writing chair. He flicked the last inch of his cigarette into the nearby oil drum that was his trash can and scrutinized the current page in his battered typewriter to determine where he had gotten up to on Gorogo Radio Two, a story set in a world with a similar society as our own, but with inhabitants that more closely resembled snowplows than humans.

The story followed one such snowplow who had recently found himself in possession of omniscience and had decided to exploit this ability by hosting a daytime radio call-in show.

Trout had previously paused his writing after having an angst-filled teenaged snowplow call in to ask the omniscient snowplow host what the purpose of living was. In returning to the story and determined to not dwell on the unanswerable for too long, Trout conceded to writing the first thing that came to him. This is what he wrote:

There’s nothing better to do, kid.

Trout read what he had just written and found the sentence to cause him considerable consternation. He wasn’t completely sure, but he suspected he had struck upon something.

In his disgust, Trout pulled the page out of the typewriter, arranged it with the other pages of the story, lifted it above his head, and as a message to the Creator of the Universe, flung the entire thing in the nearby oil drum. While Trout had every intention of eventually calming down and retrieving the manuscript, the Creator of the Universe responded to Trout’s aggression by consuming the manuscript in the fire that had been quietly developing in the oil drum since being ignited by an errant cigarette butt.’

Photo

Sun, 28 Feb 2010 19:01:54 +0000

It’s Becky’s birthday, so I did a cover of Satellite...

Sat, 27 Feb 2010 00:40:34 +0000

It’s Becky’s birthday, so I did a cover of Satellite of Love for her.

There are two types of people in the world: Die Antwoord and everybody else

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 04:16:00 +0000

I’ve made a concerted effort to ignore any signs that Die Antwoord’s fifteen minutes could possibly be waning. This is due to my genuine appreciation for what they’re doing, and I hope to see them overcome the somewhat confused reaction they initially elicited from people like me. That confusion is clearly part of their appeal, though. I originally believed them to be pawns of a larger marketing ploy or clever young director guiding their absurdity, but I now see them as harbingers of a new era in culture and art.

Their claims about being “next level” is a double bluff. I’ve heard them called a South African Ali G, but listening to their album clearly dispels such characterizations. They’re taking parody to the next level by blurring the lines between and around art, satire, and genuineness. Make no mistake, it is an act, as evidenced by their earlier work as MaxNormal.tv, but such distinctions are only useful in comprehending how audiences will react to them. I was talking to a relatively smart kid the other day who applauded The Colbert Report for balancing out the liberal bias of shows like the Daily Show. Reality doesn’t really matter to us, and Die Antwoord is proving this by giving themselves into their characters. Now that hipsterdom has been condensed into its shadows of twee music, vapid interests and memes plastered throughout social networking sites, and a fashion ideal adopted by middle schoolers and rappers, it’s time to consider what modern culture has to offer us. Die Antwoord’s mixture of absurdity, sincerity, and mockery is the only possible progression culture can make after the pomposity, materialism, and nihilism of what it once meant to be a hipster.

Unless you’re into Ke$ha or something.

Go Ninja, go!

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 00:14:44 +0000

Go Ninja, go!

Assorted Amazon reviews by Donald E. Nielsen

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 22:56:07 +0000

“Very simple instrument with very limited note capability.” (Harmonica)

“Vendor shipped promptly. Video was as expected, however after receiving it I learned similar instructions can be viewed for free on ‘Fit TV’.”

“A third grader could have written this book and if you have a third greader who wants a dog book, then maybe this one if for you.. It offers noting related to training your dog.” (Product description: “Beginning readers can learn 100 different words in this story about a remarkable dog.”)

“Pace indicator great for maintaining your pace while running. A bit noisy and irritating to other runners.”

Real Love cover by me. Originally by John Lennon. Since...

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 03:01:23 +0000

Real Love cover by me. Originally by John Lennon.

Since it’s Valentine’s Day already in England, I thought I’d share what I made for Becca.

About half-way through learning the song, I realized not only was I not very good at piano, but my voice can’t really reach any of the notes. C’est la vie.

Photo

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 05:28:35 +0000

NO MA'AM

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 07:16:00 +0000

I recently happened upon a troubling news story about Jean-Claude Rochefort, a Canadian man who was arrested for felony blogging. Most of the reports were pretty vague about what his crimes involved, but the basic story is that he operated a blog that made threatening statements to women… in general.

Luckily, his blog is still intact and largely in English. It’s quite obvious he’s guilty of being a horrible blogger and writer, but from everything I’ve read (which could be after he deleted things), he made no threats to women, either specifically or generally. I normally wouldn’t shy away from defending any victim of authoritarianism, but this story gives me pause. While I didn’t see anything resembling direct threats, it’s perfectly clear that this person is deranged. He sounds dangerous. Given the choice, I’d sooner want him locked up than on the streets, but I’m not sure that gives anyone the right to do so, or that society’s attempt to do so will yield positive results.

Rochefort’s blog is a tribute to Marc Lépine, a Canadian who murdered fourteen women in a desperate bid to enact vengeance on feminism, which he blamed for ruining his life.

“Even if the Mad Killer epithet will be attributed to me by the media, I consider myself a rational erudite” -Marc Lépine

A rational person, be they educated or not, could clearly see that feminism had absolutely no bearing on the life of this awkward, unpopular young man. In a world full of people grasping at straws to find meaning and something to fight for, feminism (or women, in general) is one of the more absurd scapegoats. This draws comparisons to Valerie Solanis, whom Jean-Claude Rochefort repeatedly references in his blog. At one point, he justifies Lépine’s shooting spree by saying, “And when Marc Lépine opens fire, what were these 14 young, pure and innocent girls doing? No doubt they were reading Valerie Solanas’ SCUM manifesto and planning a genocide”.

Lou Reed sums up the driving force of Valerie Solanas’s attack against Andy Warhol as “idiot madness”, and I feel this same characterization could be made about Lépine and Rochefort. This form of criminal behavior is the most angering, because it has no justification.

There is some justification, however unacceptable, to crimes committed out of the acquisition of wealth, addiction, psychopathic compulsion, and revenge. For this reason, it wouldn’t hurt to reclassify hate crimes as “unjustifiable crimes” or simply apply use of the word hate correctly. That would encompass what we already consider hate crimes (racism, homophobia, anti-semitism), but also terrorism against civilians, deranged attacks such as Solanas’s, and so on. Basing harsher criminal penalties on a connection to destructive idiocy makes a lot more sense than harsher penalties for crimes against groups someone has listed as minorities.

Language, as always, plays an integral role in all of this. From what it looks like, Lépine’s hurried suicide note/manifesto is riddled with errors, even though it’s in his native French. I can’t help but wonder if there’s any correlation between violent behavior and people not feeling able to express themselves properly, be it venue (Ted Kaczynski) or simple fluency in a language. When you publish your thesis on the subject of fluency and violence, be sure to dedicate it to me.

Based on the tone of the random samplings I read of his blog, my guess is that Rochefort will be acquitted or forced into brief psychiatric counseling. I’d also guess that following all of this, his chances of actually acting out violently will increase dramatically. Aggressive and authoritative prevention methods always scare me, not only because I’m quite libertarian, but because it always feels like the set-up for a self-fulfilling prophecy.

My Friday night.

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 02:12:00 +0000

My Friday night.

Customer reviews of Taco Bell Microwavable Home Originals® Bowlz

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 18:51:00 +0000

“I absolutely loved these meals. They actually filled me up at lunch. Until I got a bad batch of the product. I recently opened one up for lunch to find little worms crawling in and out of the food. I would be careful before eating one of these again. They were about a 1/4 inch long and green.”

-M. Jourdan

“The other reviewers were right on when they said this was not spicy/flavorful enough. I added some Crystal Hot Sauce and some four-blend-mexican cheese and in about 2 min I had a decent snack and I emphasize snack. The portions are very small to say the least (‘thanks’ big brother).”

-R. Curry

“This is probably one of the best microwaveable meals I’ve ever had. And sadly, I’ve had many.”

-D. Diskin

“Tastes WAY better than MREs and cheaper too. Maybe I’ll order a Titanium Spork to go with it.”

-P. Berry

“Three times after eating these meals, I developed a slight headache. That might just be coincidence, but I don’t get headaches often.”

-J. Macpherson

Ever since beginning John Kennedy Toole’s tome, A Confederacy of Dunces, I have had the...

Sun, 24 Jan 2010 17:09:17 +0000

Ever since beginning John Kennedy Toole’s tome, A Confederacy of Dunces, I have had the sneaking suspicion that I’ve been emulating his style and/or the general mindset of his protagonist. The somewhat frightening aspect of this realization is that this emulation dates back far before I began reading the book. Whether I’m writing seriously or satirically, I come across as an amateurishly devoted fan of this one unique writing style, one that I had previously ascribed to my own invention. If anyone was under the impression that this stylistic decision was intentional, I apologize for the confusion. I’ve even recently toyed with the idea of succumbing to my innate caricature by subheading my site with “The blog of Ignatius J. Reilly”, but instead of completing my transformation, I have set out to drastically modify my tone and style to one more suited to the unparalleled and unique wit that I possess.

So I finally read this story about how a few badged thugs brutally attacked a boy in my hometown and...

Sun, 24 Jan 2010 16:00:00 +0000

So I finally read this story about how a few badged thugs brutally attacked a boy in my hometown and it boiled my blood. While I desperately hope justice is served against these criminals, I can’t help but feel it won’t happen. So far, the officers haven’t even been suspended. These are the people I’m entrusting my safety and civil order to and they’re attacking my innocent neighbors.

I have a few eccentric ideas about how to fix the world, such as banning health insurance until healthcare prices normalize, so consider the following in that sort of series:

Make a separate penalty system for police officers.

Granted, this already exists, but in the opposite way it should. It needs to be at least twice as harsh as the public criminal justice system. We put absurd amounts of trust in police officers, so if they’re abusing it, they’re undermining our entire system. Giving them a free pass or slap on the wrist for things we’d be held accountable for directly mocks any idea of justice in our society. Nobody is getting a fair trial if our law enforcement is above the law.

Our police should understand their role in our country as a necessary evil. Their loyalty is to the public and nobody else. Whatever actions they take must be in the effort of protecting the life, liberty, and equality of the people. Becoming a police officer should be seen as a selfless, brave act, not a way to fulfill sadistic urges of exerting power or upholding authoritarianism. For these reasons, they should understand the great sacrifice they’re making to provide a free and safe society by accepting a burden of responsibility higher than that of those they are protecting.

I have a similar suggestion regarding the TSA but that involves them getting punched really hard in the face each day when they start work.

73 year old Democrat mayor of Denver, Ben Stapleton,...

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 23:25:57 +0000

73 year old Democrat mayor of Denver, Ben Stapleton, “falls flat on his face” while attempting to bat an opening pitch thrown by young Republican congressman Richard Nixon.

From LIFE magazine.

In these desperate times, and in light of the horrible suffering that’s going on, I think we...

Sat, 16 Jan 2010 18:50:19 +0000

In these desperate times, and in light of the horrible suffering that’s going on, I think we all need to take some time to recognize how good we have it- compared to Conan O’Brien. I’d also like to note that it’s in incredibly poor taste to suggest this is all Conan’s fault for signing a pact with the devil. (NOBODY STEAL THIS JOKE)

This ongoing late night talk show drama makes for some pretty compelling television (albeit mistimed), but nothing beats Sanjay Gupta singlehandedly running an aid station after the UN stereotypically abandoned the suffering people for fear of nearby violence. I wouldn’t mind seeing this M*A*S*H: H*A*I*T*I show take over the 10pm slot on NBC.

While the press has been vilifying Leno and the NBC executives, I think we should all remember who the real villain is: David Letterman. I don’t know what it is about this guy, but he just rubs me the wrong way. No, actually I do know what it is: He’s not funny. It’s not just that, but he doesn’t even understand what funny is, even if it’s delivered to his doorstep, which happens, time after time. It’s one thing to play the straight man, which I would expect from talk show hosts, but Letterman acts aggressive and derogatory to people much more talented than him, after inviting them to grace his horrible show. Add to all this his recent transgressions, which really are bad when you’re soliciting romance from the people who work for you and assisting their careers if they agree to it.

I’d like to stand behind Conan, but I can’t say I find any of these talk show people all that funny. I’ve been watching all the clips for their drama appeal, not for the abysmal one-liners and bad impressions. Incidentally, I’ve found a use for Gawker! The one thing these guys all seem to agree on is what an easy target Carson Daly is, whose show hasn’t even been running live for weeks now. I’ve never watched it, but I can’t imagine he’s so offensive that he deserves the gleeful pummeling that’s been directed at him by his peers, especially given that his career is on the line. It’s actually pretty shameful.

Also, something about Conan moving to Fox just makes me feel a little sick inside. He deserves a bit better than being associated with Wanda Sykes and MAD TV. Then again, if it were up to me, every channel would just be playing reruns of Jack Benny all night.

Law & Order UK should be renamed Law & Order SWSTS (Silly Wigs, Stupid Theme Song)....

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 01:16:00 +0000

Law & Order UK should be renamed Law & Order SWSTS (Silly Wigs, Stupid Theme Song). I’ve watched a few episodes of it so far, and I can’t say I dislike it. It’s got that (always strangely-unconvincingly-accented) guy from Battlestar Galactica playing a slightly brash and naive detective alongside someone who appears to be agent Jason Gideon after a stroke that makes him constantly grin at whatever anyone says. From what I gather, the crown prosecutors are Doctor Who and companion, which I don’t really mind, as it seems there is a very small pool of British television actors and characters to choose from. In fact, I believe the “In the criminal justice system…” speech preceding each episode is voiced by Noel Fielding.

The first episode I watched, which was the first of the second season, began with an unarmed police officer being shot to death. This theme didn’t seem to continue throughout the other episodes as they tend to gloss over how the police actually catch criminals using only cries of, “Oy you, stop there!” except in the cases when they call in the armed Tuttle Taskforce ahead of time.

The detectives are strangely successful at getting suspects and witnesses to agree to impromptu property searches, which I’m not sure whether to attribute to differing laws not requiring subpoenas and warrants or just the passivity of a culture unused to questioning authority.

Every case involves a strong undercurrent of flagrant affronts to libertarianism with heavy use of CCTV footage, mandatory DNA sampling, and lawyers not advising their clients not to answer interrogation questions. All the bajillions of CCTV cameras blanketing London seem to be about as useful as the few ATM cameras used as evidence in the American Law and Orders, as high-crime neighborhoods supposedly bash all the cameras, slightly grainy picture quality is inadmissible in British court, and the use of hooded sweatshirts seems to stymie the entire system. After all of this, the stakes are abysmally low. Since the UK only tends to keep highly dangerous criminals locked up for a couple years, they might as well not waste their time. Who’s the winner, the convicted murderer only spending a couple years in the clink, or the people who had to don wigs and argue for weeks to send them there?

Speaking of the prosecution, L&O:UK gives us an interesting glimpse into the British legal arguing style. Instead of making lawyers interact with suspects and witnesses as Jeopardy contestants, the lawyers are apparently free to speak their minds. This usually devolves in each episode to the main prosecutor guy shouting “YOU LIE!” to the accused, which usually wins the case.

I will gladly look past all of these problems if the show’s creators would just acquiesce to my numerous emails and cast the guy who played Gaius Baltar as the character Gaius Baltar.

So I was browsing* the Barbie website just now and saw...

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 04:11:18 +0000

So I was browsing* the Barbie website just now and saw they’re letting people choose what career Barbie should have next. Unfortunately, lifecaster wasn’t among the choices.

Of the choices, though, one of them stood out: Environmentalist.

Is this a profession? Don’t you think she’d make a better free market capitalist? The sad part is that environmentalist will probably win if they discount all the Redditors voting for computer engineer. Social responsibility! Animals! No qualifications!

Take heed, Julia, I see a new career opportunity for you.

*I wasn’t really, Mom.

BFFs

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 03:41:00 +0000

BFFs